Mothers are reborn via each child they birth. And therefore every pregnancy is a process where reflections occur more often than you might like to admit.

We are who we are and I believe our babies choose us as their mothers for reasons we cannot know. If you transfer any of your dark side (not that necessarily you will), then it is something your baby will need to go through as a child/adult and it will help her become who she will be.

I find that believing everything has a reason and some things are their choices as much as they are yours keeps parenthood on the sane side as much as possible.

It is an endless transfer from mommy to baby from the moment of conception. And worrying never stops. You are, afterall, living for two from now on. It will never go back to the way it was :)

Good luck. Enjoy pregnancy. You will miss it!

I found that as my pregnancy advanced (especially after the kicking started) I gained an appreciation for my body (and women's bodies) that I never fully understood until then. It is such a miracle that a life can start and grow inside my hips and how my entire system changes to nourish that little one. Labor and delivery only increased my amazement at what a woman's body could do. And now, breast feeding, continues to feed my new appreciation.

Seeing your body change is scary, so scary both pre and post birth, and it sounds like you are experiencing this now. For me, the understanding how the body is built to grow life and function as a vessel for a new baby made me realize how beautifully my body and nature worked.

Taking part of a prenatal yoga class with a midwife gave me the opportunity to learn more about the pregnancy process, my emotions, etc. Is there a community of pregnant women that you can join regularly to hear other's concerns and appreciations?

I can't speak to having those same fears but yeah, being pregnant dredges up all this emotional baggage and demons long forgotten or ignored. I was an emotional wreck for most of my pregnancy, and I found that it helped to channel my energy into doing productive, baby-related things like reading positive birth stories and doing things around the house to prepare for Alice's arrival. Also, I highly recommend Birthing from Within... either the book or the class. It's a great way to work through the anxiety and fears that you're facing so that you can focus on having a healthy birth.

I second Amanda's recommendation to seek out a community of pregnant women. For me, that was my birthing class (Bradley Method). It was a small group of 5 couples, led by a doula, in her home. It was great and I've remained friends with a few of the couples-- built-in playdates for Alice and because we were all in the same class, we naturally have like-minded values regarding child-rearing and in other areas as well.

First time commenter...
I have very similar fears although I am not yet pregnant (but hope to be in the not too distant future). I remember the day when I first had a negative feeling about my body when I was in the 2nd grade. While it is something I feel I have successfully managed, it is never outside of my consciousness and I feel lucky that it never got out of control. I am afraid of not being able to enjoy a pregnancy and also of making a seemingly harmless comment to my future child that sticks with him or her the way a few fleeting moments and comments have stuck with me.

Thank you so much for your responses. They're really helpful!

Pregnancy & motherhood makes you freak out about pretty much everything. You'll say and do things you never thought you'd ever see yourself saying or doing. Example: I remember freaking out during a thunderstorm, imagining a tree crashing through the roof and crushing the baby. I didn't want to leave the baby's side in case I needed to save her from a rogue tree. Seriously.
There's a bit of darkness in all of us that we pass onto our kids. It's just part of being alive and being human. It's the light that you pass on that really matters.

I have never been in that particular darkness, but I can understand your thoughts. As I started to grow at the end of my second trimester, I started to feel more unselfconscious about my body (already a plus-size). I asked my husband constantly if people could tell I was pregnant or if they would just think I was putting on weight. It helped every time someone told me how great I looked. Now, with a one month old, I trying to be a relaxed mom, but it is amazing how many things there are to freak about!

It is funny, the things I worried about when pregnant were all the wrong things. I was a very shy and insecure child and have worked on that, the baby has turned out much more social and outgoing that either me or my husband are. But Asli is right the worrying in general. And even as someone who did not have strong thoughts about my body, the massive crazy changes and the flowing hormones through me for various loops throughout my pregnancy. It reminded me of a fast forwarded puberty, and all that was familiar me was disappearing without my consent or control. Even as I was amazed at what my body was doing. And with patience and time (13 months) and some hard work and all that... myself, a little battered and scarred, is back . . . as a mom.

The darkness that you speak of is something I think about when I think about having children. But I think the awareness of it balances things out. I still want to be alive even if I still have to wrestle with the darkness, and it would have been a bonus if I had been brought up by parents that were aware of that battle. Thanks for sharing.

Obviously, not having any children myself, I'm not sure how much weight I carry; but I think just your level of self awareness and bravery shows what an amazing parent you're going to be.