Alexis' brief stint in the field means that I can indulge in my one comfort food routine without being reminded that the goods have no healthy relationship to the four food groups (that would be a cold beer, crappy store-bought popcorn and a piping hot bowl of Ramen—salty, yes, devoid of nutrition, yes, but very tasty every once in a while, especially after a long, bad day at work). So, as I trudged home from the bodega with all of the proper ingredients in tow, I was stopped dead in my tracks by something big and yellow nearly floating across the street, causing cars to swerve in both directions.

At closer inspection, I realized that it was a Christmas tree wrapped in a giant plastic bag. The wind was lifting it several inches from the ground, making it swirl like a tumbleweed down Van Brunt. Thinking that I could be helpful, I held my hand up to the incoming traffic and charged at the holiday carcass, hoping to grab the plastic and drag it to the sidewalk, essentially saving all unsuspecting vehicles from the horror of the floating dead fir.

Instead, I immediately tripped over the tree, my shoe having become caught in the plastic, causing my entire body to pitch forward. I frantically tried to catch myself and the tree while holding my recently purchased goods in the air, which only succeeded in sending my 99 cent bag of crappy popcorn into the wind, as well. And, of course, I decided to chase that, too.

So basically, in an effort to save the cars, my popcorn and my beer, I managed to hold up traffic and produce a pathetic modern dance of the junk food while illuminated by headlights. Plus, when I finally did get it to the sidewalk, I realized that there was nothing to keep it from blowing into the street again. I tried my best to wedge it against a building and then, due to the wind and the cold and a growing sense of embarrassment, pathetically gave up.