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January 28, 2005
Growing Pains
I don’t write about work often for many reasons, some of which include my knowledge of who reads this site and a minor fear of being dooced. I also don’t like to debate the politics that come with my occupation, at least not online and certainly not without a drink or two under my belt.
Still, there are some days that just get to me and I have to write them down.
I have worked at my organization for over five years. In that time, I have seen a lot of people come and go. It happens in cycles, as in most non-profits. Changes in leadership or funding always shuffle the priorities of the organization; some adapt, others go. There is always an element of instability, a knowledge that your job might morph or disappear. How I have managed to surf the waves of change and still wind up standing continues to be a mystery. The one thing that I do know, however, is that in order to remain here I have had to shut off pieces of myself.
Perhaps hindering the personal is part of growing up and becoming more professional. Whatever the reason, I have learned to repress many of my emotions at work. I stay out of the social gossip circles. Often, I am completely oblivious to the rumors that circulate. I try to avoid conversations involving people being unhappy with their jobs. Most of the time, I concentrate solely on the tasks at hand; in the evening, I pack up and board the subway, hoping that my anxieties stay in the office and don’t follow me home. Sometimes, however, this tactic of oblivion backfires.
Sometimes, people leave and I don't even realize it until days later. Sometimes, friends slip away so fast that the concept of keeping in touch turns to vapor. Sometimes, when I walk out of my office into the cold, I just feel dead inside.
Is this the way one is supposed to feel? Do you have to shut things off in order to forge forward? Most of the time these thoughts don't even occur to me...but when they hit I just feel like the worst person in the world.
Posted by callalillie at January 28, 2005 4:50 AM | Introspect
, The Year of Change
, Work
I think your feelings are natural, now that you're a big-ole 27 (!) and you've put a few notches in your belt. I'm on my third "real" job and similarly avoid getting too close. It's up to you to decide when your detachment from the social stuff is healthy preservation vs. an indication that you don't really care about the place anymore. And then you can come uptown and work with me. ;)
Posted by: mp at January 28, 2005 10:17 AM
At the risk of sounding supercilious, I think it’s a part of corporate life. After working both side of the pond, I think it’s just part of the ‘dog eat dog’ lifestyle. I hate to sound so cynical, but . . .
Posted by: Tom at January 28, 2005 11:39 AM
it sucks! maybe i should move to the corporate sphere. at least i'd make more money.
Posted by: corie at January 28, 2005 12:11 PM
Who said anything about more money?? I get to put up with this BS for nothing! Were it not for the fact that I have to work with these people every day I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole!
Posted by: Tom at January 28, 2005 12:15 PM
If you feel dead inside from the work you do, than maybe it is time to look elsewhere. But if its from lack of social interaction at work, than I think thats pretty normal...you're there to do a job, not to make friends.
Posted by: Cynthia at January 28, 2005 1:40 PM
wait, with your title, shouldn't you have knowledge of other things?
Posted by: tien at January 28, 2005 1:50 PM
Naw, the corporate sphere is no better and you just end up feeling more guilty. My mom says I'm getting eaten up by the "burden of creativity," but I try to find the upside of it, which is that all the ideas that manifest while feeling frustrated at work are implemented 110% as soon as I walk out the door. I sometimes wonder if I worked in an office where I was completely content, I'd be so motivated to embark on other projects/tasks at night and on the weekends.
Posted by: yp at January 28, 2005 2:03 PM
well, the work i do doesn't make me feel dead inside, thanksfully. youngna, that's good point about outside projects. i do that too-- thought it winds up making me feel like i should just stop everything and go to grad school!
Posted by: corie at January 28, 2005 2:15 PM
It sounds to me that you are in the wrong job. Work has to be fulfilling and enjoyable, and i mean that in the context of the actual tasks and the place itself.
As far as going back to school goes - thats exactly my plan! I'm doing 2 more years (for financial reasons) in my current job, in which i am successful and well paid, to go back to uni to to a PGCE (teaching diploma), and then spend the rest of my life earning peanuts as a teacher. But hopefully happier for it.
Posted by: discostu at January 28, 2005 3:11 PM
No, that is not the way you have to be. Is it possible to look for something in another non-profit where things are not as tense? If your current workplace has turnover that high, it's a sign you should heed. Most non-profits don't work that way from what I know of them, unless they're terrible places to work.
I hope for better times for you. It's awful to have to be that way at work (done it myself and it still didn't save me).
Posted by: Carrie at January 29, 2005 6:31 PM
Leaving the work behind when you leave for the day is a good thing; it shouldn't be the only, or the overwhelming thing in your life (or so I maintain). But my suspicion is that there should be more of a balance between necessary coldness and estrangement from people in the workplace.
Of course, I'm trying to figure that balance out, myself.
Posted by: Velma at January 31, 2005 10:09 AM
velma? cold? ha! i need more of your balance, vjb.
Posted by: corie at February 1, 2005 11:15 AM
