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September 12, 2003
Why I Didn't Document
On the 10th, I was revved up to photoblog my personal 09.11.03. But when I rose yesterday morning the feeling overcame me once again, the same quiet muteness, sense of immobility, a kind of paralysis of the shutter finger.
There have now been three occasions when I've contemplated photographing 09.11 and found myself unable to do so.
The first instance was the day of. Standing in the kitchen of my office, watching the first tower ablaze, then the next plane slice through the second. The flames, the smoke, the realization that the falling debris might be people. The collapse. One of my first thoughts was to go get my camera, but I couldn't. Not when we evacuated our office building, not during the long walk home, or the days that followed. The same has happened last year and yesterday.
There's nothing wrong with documenting tragic moments. I am magnetically drawn to photoblogger's images of 09.11. In many ways, I live inside the images; often I cannot discern what is my own visual memory versus those photographed by others.
But for some reason I've continuously found myself unable to participate. On an extremely personal level, I just cannot justify capturing such pain. I think, to some degree, it is as though I'd be participating in capturing one more piece of sorrow and anguish in an already jam packed world. Such images can signify sadness, hope, love. They are all inextricable elements of our history. They are proof of existence and of loss, and everything inbetween.
Perhaps, it's all just too real.
Posted by callalillie at September 12, 2003 11:12 AM | September 11th
You know, even though I called you the night before and told you what I wonderful idea I thought it was, I didn't wind up producing much of anything myself. I had a really crummy day that started out lovely (as you said, it was a beautiful day, just as it was two years ago). It seemed while it was happening (my bad day) that it was all personal, and circumstancial. But in retrospect, I don't think I can really separate the two, meaning: my apparent emotional predisposition and the events. In the end I took 3 pictures and went to bed feeling guilty for my frustrations and complaints for the day.
Posted by: Kar at September 14, 2003 1:07 PM
Posted by: Sean at September 14, 2003 5:31 PM
I hear, you, Kar. It was a very weird feeling.
Posted by: callalillie at September 15, 2003 9:36 AM
